Thursday, March 28, 2013

Chronic Single's Guide to Valentine's Day



The medical staff at ChronicSingle,com has assembled the following guide to get you through the night.

1) Nourishment: Vicodin and Jack Daniels.

2) Fiscal Aversion Therapy:
- Cost of an engagement ring: $4,600
- Cost of a wedding: $27,000
- Cost of raising a child to 18 (not including college) $227,000
- Cost of a divorce: $8,000 to $133,000 (fees for lawyers and accountants for a contested divorce that goes to trial.)
- Intangibles costs: Average weight gain for men and women after five years of marriage: 6 to 9 pounds.
*Note on Sources: Sketchy at best; I grabbed first semi-reasonable results from Google.

3) Cognitive Therapy:
a) Light Reading: "The John and Lorena Bobbit Story"
Heart-warming tale of boy meets girl, boy abuses girl, girl cuts of boy's penis and throws it out the window of a speeding car, boy becomes a porn star.
b) Movies:
- War of the Roses: Still want to get married?
- Fatal Attraction: Think your last girlfriend was a drama queen?
- Caligula: Think your last boyfriend was a jerk?

4) Self-Improvement
a) Personality Test: Are you marriage material?
b) One man's pathetic story that will no doubt make you feel better about your situation: "Why I'm Over Forty and Still Single"

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< Image at top of post: By John Callcott Horsley (1817–1903) Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

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