Monday, May 27, 2013

No Significant Other? How to Obtain Your Minimum Requirements for Hugs

The medical staff at the ChronicSingle's Handbook has found that individuals who do not receive adequate oxytocin risk prolonged visits to the Dark Place. Oxytocin is the feel-good hormone that is released when we’re fed, touched, or hugged. Oxytocin – no relation to Oxycontin -- is what bonds mothers to babies, lovers to each other, and humans to all things warm and fuzzy. Oxytocin is the “ox” when someone signs a letter “oxoxox

For a chronic single, the recommended dose of oxytocin is 5 units a day, about half the amount required by the general population. Note: During good times, excess oxytocin can be stored like fat for later use.

Oxytocin Benefits from Common Activities: (for a 155-pound man)

- Flirting with check-in clerk at health club: 1 unit
- Watching thirty minutes of sports with a stranger at a bar: 2 units
- Drinks with an old friend: 3 units
- Drinks with an attractive prospect: 4 units
- Sex with a long-time partner: 5 units*
- Naughty massage: 6 units
- First-time sex with an attractive prospect: 7 units

*Generally, anyone in a relationship has access to an endless supply of oxytocin. However, as a relationship sours, the human body produces stress hormones that negate any health benefits of oxytocin. Also, following a disagreement, a significant other may choose to withhold oxytocin for several months.

More entries from the Chronic Single's Handbook

- Upcoming live performances of the one-man show, The Chronic Single's Handbook.

- Opening scene of show: Chronically Single? You're not alone.

- Chapter 2: Quiz: Are you marriage material?

- Chapter 3: Quiz: Are you better off alone?

art attribution for hug candy: By jo-h ( [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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