Monday, May 27, 2013

No Significant Other? How to Obtain Your Minimum Requirements for Hugs

The medical staff at the ChronicSingle's Handbook has found that individuals who do not receive adequate oxytocin risk prolonged visits to the Dark Place. Oxytocin is the feel-good hormone that is released when we’re fed, touched, or hugged. Oxytocin – no relation to Oxycontin -- is what bonds mothers to babies, lovers to each other, and humans to all things warm and fuzzy. Oxytocin is the “ox” when someone signs a letter “oxoxox

For a chronic single, the recommended dose of oxytocin is 5 units a day, about half the amount required by the general population. Note: During good times, excess oxytocin can be stored like fat for later use.

Oxytocin Benefits from Common Activities: (for a 155-pound man)

- Flirting with check-in clerk at health club: 1 unit
- Watching thirty minutes of sports with a stranger at a bar: 2 units
- Drinks with an old friend: 3 units
- Drinks with an attractive prospect: 4 units
- Sex with a long-time partner: 5 units*
- Naughty massage: 6 units
- First-time sex with an attractive prospect: 7 units

*Generally, anyone in a relationship has access to an endless supply of oxytocin. However, as a relationship sours, the human body produces stress hormones that negate any health benefits of oxytocin. Also, following a disagreement, a significant other may choose to withhold oxytocin for several months.

More entries from the Chronic Single's Handbook

- Upcoming live performances of the one-man show, The Chronic Single's Handbook.

- Opening scene of show: Chronically Single? You're not alone.

- Chapter 2: Quiz: Are you marriage material?

- Chapter 3: Quiz: Are you better off alone?

art attribution for hug candy: By jo-h ( [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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Monday, May 20, 2013

"The Chronic Single's Handbook": Shows for Summer 2013

The Chronic Single's Handbook

One man's global search for love

A solo performance inspired by actual events  
featuring Randy Ross 

Exotic Locales


A body-spa named The Curious Finger.

Early praise for The Chronic Single's Handbook:

"Hysterical, side-splitting, profound, a tour-de-force of droll insight. One of the year's best."
-- Randy Ross, writer/performer, The Chronic Single's Handbook

"The balance on your credit card is overdue. Please remit immediately."
-- Bank of West Boston

Upcoming Shows

6/29, 6/30: Portland, ME, PortFringe, fringe theater festival
- Location: Portland Stage Company (PSC) Storefront theater space. Directions
- Times: Saturday 6/29 at 6:00PM, Sunday 6/30 matinee at 1:00PM
- Tickets, more information. 
(tickets cost $10)
*Note: "The Chronic Single's Handbook" may also be listed at "The Handbook for the Chronically Single."
- Show program

7/19 - 7/27: Washington, D.C., Capital Fringe, fringe theater festival
- Location: Gearbox, 1021 7th St NW, 3rd floor, D.C. 20001
- Times (five shows) FR 7/19 6:45PM | SU 7/21 9:30PM | TU 7/23 9:30PM | TH 7/25 10:00PM
SA 7/27 2:PM
- Tickets, more information 
(ticket available in early June. Cost $17, plus $5 or so for festival pass)

Watch Videos Excerpts from Recent Performances

 - Opening scene: "Chronically single? You've got lots of company"
Content warning for adults situations, black tongues, sadistic medical professionals.

- "The Day I Was Almost Gay"
Content warning for prescription drug abuse, gooey sunburns, and men kissing on the lips.

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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Are You Single Because Most People Are Jerks?

Tired of being stigmatized because you've realized that most people are jerks? Tips for dealing with insecure couples and others who would stigmatize you for your discriminating taste.

1) Accept that relationships come and go, but mostly go.

2) Enjoy free porn, but invest in good anti-virus software.

3) Accept that moods are cyclical; if you're happy now, wait a few hours.

4) Accept that some people grow up to be professional athletes and some people die of horrible wasting diseases. Similarly, some people get married and some people -- like you -- don't.

5) When someone calls you a commit-a-phobe, counter with the number of friends you've had for more than a decade, the number of years you've had the same car, or the number of years you've had the same career – all numbers that will no doubt exceed the length of most marriages.

More Articles from the Experts at

- Quiz: Are you marriage material?

- Quiz: Are you better off alone?


A great book for single people

Solitude: In Search of Self
Written by a note psychologist, the book explores the lives of many creative people who never married and spent much of their time alone -- and were fine with it. Among the notables: Isaac Newton, Beatrix Potter, Beethoven. Are you a budding, creative genius? You'll never find out letting people you don't like suck up all your time.

Photo credit: Lake image by Richie Diesterheft [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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