Chronic Single's Handbook: The Five Romantic Types

The Chronic Single’s Handbook

Chapter One

Finding Your Match: The Five Romantic Personalities

 1) Martyrs

- Feel everything intensely, especially love, rejection, and Red Sox playoff losses.

- Claim to know exactly what they want in a mate; say smug things like “I will never settle.”

- Spend most Saturday nights alone.

- Cry at crapola love stories like The Bridges of Madison County.

- Capable of great happiness when involved and great bitterness when single.

- Examples: Jackson Browne, Vincent Van Gogh, Billie Joe McAllister.

- Favorite quote: “My heart is your piñata.”

2) Settlers

- Martyrs who marry suddenly because of an external event like a scary health problem, a milestone birthday, or an aging parent who wants to see them hooked up.

- Husbands are often happy with this arrangement.

- Wives often seek divorce after children leave for college.

- Examples: Too many to list.

- Favorite quote: “I’ll have the baked chicken, no skin, butter, salt, oil, or bread crumbs. And a glass of water with no ice.”

3) Mercenaries

- Approach love as if it were just another transaction, to-do item, or mission.

- Emotionally detached with flat, even moods.

- Tend to be content instead of happy.

- Examples: Ted Bundy, Dirty Harry, Angelina Jolie.

- Favorite quote: “Kill them all and let God sort them out.”

4) Bonders

- Born with good brain chemistry.

- Can connect with most anyone and be happy in most situations.

- Are good as friends, but boring as lovers.

- Examples: Anyone who manages to stay married more than two years.

- Favorite quote: “Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day.”

5) Barnacles

- Don’t have the stomach for dating.

- Always in a relationship—for better or worse.

- A bad choice for spouseless vacations; without a partner they glom on to you.

- Examples: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Mickey Rooney, and other people married at least eight times.

- Favorite quote: “Needy people are the luckiest people in the world.”

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*Image at top of post: By akira yamada (Flickr: バレンタインチョコレート) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons