Tuesday, June 8, 2021

Chronic Single's Handbook: The Five Romantic Types

The Chronic Single’s Handbook
Chapter One
Finding Your Match: The Five Romantic Personalities

 1) Martyrs
- Feel everything intensely, especially love, rejection, and Red Sox playoff losses.
- Claim to know exactly what they want in a mate; say smug things like “I will never settle.”
- Spend most Saturday nights alone.
- Cry at crapola love stories like The Bridges of Madison County.
- Capable of great happiness when involved and great bitterness when single.
- Examples: Jackson Browne, Vincent Van Gogh, Billie Joe McAllister.
- Favorite quote: “My heart is your piñata.”

2) Settlers
- Martyrs who marry suddenly because of an external event like a scary health problem, a milestone birthday, or an aging parent who wants to see them hooked up.
- Husbands are often happy with this arrangement.
- Wives often seek divorce after children leave for college.
- Examples: Too many to list.
- Favorite quote: “I’ll have the baked chicken, no skin, butter, salt, oil, or bread crumbs. And a glass of water with no ice.”

3) Mercenaries
- Approach love as if it were just another transaction, to-do item, or mission.
- Emotionally detached with flat, even moods.
- Tend to be content instead of happy.
- Examples: Ted Bundy, Dirty Harry, Angelina Jolie.
- Favorite quote: “Kill them all and let God sort them out.”

4) Bonders
- Born with good brain chemistry.
- Can connect with most anyone and be happy in most situations.
- Are good as friends, but boring as lovers.
- Examples: Anyone who manages to stay married more than two years.
- Favorite quote: “Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day.”

5) Barnacles
- Don’t have the stomach for dating.
- Always in a relationship—for better or worse.
- A bad choice for spouseless vacations; without a partner they glom on to you.
- Examples: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Mickey Rooney, and other people married at least eight times.
- Favorite quote: “Needy people are the luckiest people in the world.”

*Image at top of post: By akira yamada (Flickr: バレンタインチョコレート) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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