Tuesday, June 8, 2021

The Chronic Single's Handbook: Are You Marriage Material?

The Chronic Single's Handbook

Personality Test: Are You Marriage Material?

I) Give yourself one point for each item that applies.

1) You can tolerate boredom:
- After sex
- After lithium
- Fuck you.

2) Your nesting instincts:
- I have no furniture.
- I have college furniture.
- I once went to Pottery Barn for a free wine and cheese reception.

3) Your girlfriend asks you to get a video for her preschool daughter's birthday party. You choose:
- Borat
- Death Wish
- Caligula

4) You miss your ex most when:
- Eating alone
- Watching a movie alone
- Paying the mortgage alone.

5) If a significant other says "no" to sex, you:
- Take her to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week
- Take her college-aged daughter to her favorite restaurant because you're having a difficult week
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse

6) Your ideal frequency for seeing significant other:
- Once a week
- Once a month
- Once a year

7) Your mother:
- Call her once a day.
- Call her once a year.
- Her body is lashed to a rocking chair in the attic.

8) Your last relationship failed because:
- You forgot her birthday.
- You forgot her phone number.
- You forgot her name.

9) It's your anniversary and she is expecting something special, so you:
- Go drinking with the boys
- Go skiing with the boys
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse

10) How well do you understand women?
- When a woman says, "No," she means "Feel my breasts."
- When a woman says, "Let go of my throat, you're hurting me," she means "Feel my breasts."
- When a woman says, "Get out now or I'm calling the police," she means "Feel my breasts."

II) Scoring:
- One to five: Clueless
- Six to ten: Hopeless
- Ten or more: Dangerous

More Entries in The Chronic Single's Handbook

- Finding Your Match: The Five Romantic Personalities

*Image attribution: Marriage image at top of blog from Academia Historica, Republic of China [1]

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